Gay realization post
A few weeks ago, I couldn't sleep and scribbled some notes in here about what I was thinking. Now I've written more and am posting.
I think I realized I was gay in late middle school. Though, I knew for sure around freshman year of high school. I had a huge crush on this Spanish guy who was in my biology class. His name was Felipe and something about him was just so attractive. I just remember pining over him hard. Hoping we ended up being paired together for lab. Having my heart race if we ended up in the same room for literally any reason. It's hilarious and kind of embarrassing to think about now. I even wonder how obvious it was to other people because I definitely ended up staring him down a few times...
The summer after freshman year, I think things really solidified for me. I was taking a summer health class just to get a requirement out of the way and it ended up being me, two people from my class, and a couple other people I don't remember. Very small group though. One of the people from my class was someone who I kind of had a rivalry with freshman year over a girl. (She had invited us both to go on a shopping trip with her that the school sponsored.) That summer during and in between the health class, he was very affectionate with me. Leaning on me, making me give him piggyback rides, he even fell asleep with his head on my leg during one of the lecture breaks. It was something I hadn't ever experienced before from a guy. The other person from my class who was there with us (who I was also friends with) even gave bewildered looks when he was being so touchy-feely with me. He and I ended up becoming friends and he joined my friend group. Looking back now I wonder if I had made a move, what would have happened. I was still pretty deep in the closet though at the time. It's been a few years since I last saw him.
Looking back like this made me realize it was always sorta there. I remember in middle school telling one of my friends on the bus I was bisexual. I just said it very casually and didn't really think about exactly what that meant or how I felt. I remember one of the elementary school kids telling me that was gross but my friend jumped to the rescue. She didn't understand enough to throw the book at him but she tried damn hard.